When Humility Stops Meaning Making Yourself Small

For a long time, I think I misunderstood humility.

I thought being humble meant downplaying the things I was good at.

Deflecting compliments. Minimizing accomplishments. Pointing out my flaws before anyone else had the chance to notice them.

Almost as if recognizing the good things about myself would somehow make me prideful.

But lately, I’ve started to wonder:

What if humility and confidence were never opposites?

What if you can know exactly who you are, recognize what you’ve accomplished, be grateful for what God has given you—and still understand that none of it makes you better than anyone else?

Maybe that is actually humility.

Because after years—and honestly, decades—of being far quicker to recognize my shortcomings than my strengths, I can finally look at myself and say:

I don’t have it all.

I certainly don’t have it all figured out.

I am nowhere close to perfect.

But I am blessed.

And I am proud of the woman I have become.

That still feels a little uncomfortable to write.

But maybe that’s exactly why I need to write it.

So, I’m Going to Be Vulnerable

I know who I am.

I know that I’m strong.

I’ve walked through enough things I never thought I could walk through to know that now.

I’m successful in many areas of my life. I’m a go-getter. I’m competitive. I’m independent. I have two incredible children whom I am ridiculously proud of, and I work hard to provide a good life for us.

I own my home. I have a career I’ve worked hard to build. I’ve published a book—which still feels a little surreal to say.

I have an incredible family. I was blessed with two pretty amazing parents. I have friendships I treasure. I believe I’ve built a good reputation, and I try hard to be someone whose character matches what she says she believes.

I’m educated.

I’m fairly decent at golf. (We don’t need to examine that claim too closely.)

I work out. I try to take care of myself. I try to eat healthy, while also firmly believing that enjoying dinner, dessert, a glass of wine, or a night out is part of enjoying the life God gave me.

I’m opinionated.

I’m not afraid to speak up.

I’m also confident enough to know that not everyone is going to like me—and I’ve finally reached a place where I’m okay with that.

But here’s where I think confidence and humility meet:

I can have strong opinions and still ask questions.

I can believe I’m right and still listen.

And I’ve also learned that just because I have an opinion doesn’t mean I always need to offer it.

That one has taken some growth.

There was probably a time when I felt like if I had a thought, an idea, a different perspective, or even advice that I genuinely believed could help someone, I should share it. Now I try to remind myself that sometimes people aren’t asking for my opinion. Sometimes they simply need me to listen. Sometimes the most respectful thing I can do is allow someone else to make their own decisions without telling them what I would do differently.

If they ask me what I think? I’ll probably tell them.

But confidence doesn’t require me to prove that I have an answer.

And humility has taught me that I don’t always need to have one.

I can be confident enough to speak when it’s appropriate and humble enough to stay quiet when it isn’t.

I can believe I’m right and still be willing to discover that I’m wrong.

I can be proud of what I’ve accomplished without believing I accomplished any of it entirely on my own.

Because more than anything else I could put on a list about myself:

I love Jesus.

And the older I get, the more I realize that everything else has to flow from there.

Confidence Isn’t Arrogance

There is a difference between saying, Look how amazing I am, and saying, Look at how much God has given me, taught me, carried me through, and allowed me to become.

There is a difference between believing you are better than everyone else and finally refusing to believe you are less than everyone else.

Maybe some of us have spent so much time worrying about becoming prideful that we’ve confused insecurity with humility.

But I don’t think God asks us to despise what He created in order to honor Him.

Psalm 139:14 says, “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”

That’s not arrogance.

That’s acknowledgment.

It’s recognizing the Creator while finally appreciating His creation.

And I can look in the mirror now and recognize both the woman God created and the woman He has shaped through everything I’ve lived through.

She’s still a work in progress.

She still gets things wrong.

She still reacts when she should respond sometimes. She still has moments of doubt. She still needs forgiveness, correction, grace, and growth.

But she also doesn’t need to apologize for being strong anymore.

And Yes…That Includes Dating

This realization has changed the way I think about relationships, too.

Because sometimes I wonder if the life I’ve built makes finding the right person harder.

And maybe it does.

I’m strong. I’m independent. I’m driven. I’m opinionated. I have a full life. I have children I adore, a career I care about, family and friendships that matter deeply to me, dreams I’m still chasing, and a faith that isn’t negotiable.

That’s a lot of pieces for another person to step into.

But I don’t want to make those pieces smaller just so someone else feels bigger.

And I also don’t need a man who is intimidated by my strength—or one who feels like he has to compete with it.

I want the man who sees it and isn’t threatened by it.

The man who understands that my independence doesn’t mean I don’t want partnership.

That being capable doesn’t mean I don’t want someone beside me.

That strength doesn’t mean I never want somewhere safe to soften.

That having built a beautiful life on my own doesn’t mean I don’t deeply desire to share it with someone.

And yes, maybe that man will be harder to find.

I’m okay with that.

Because I’m no longer looking for someone who simply thinks he can handle the woman I am.

I’m willing to wait for the man God knows can walk beside her.

Not ahead of me because he needs to prove something.

Not behind me because my strength makes him uncomfortable.

Beside me.

And until then, I don’t need to shrink.

I don’t need to pretend I’m less accomplished, less opinionated, less driven, less independent, or less confident to make myself easier to choose.

I can continue becoming the woman God is calling me to be while trusting Him with the man who may someday walk alongside her.

Maybe that’s where confidence and humility finally intertwine.

Confidence says:

I know who I am.

Humility says:

I know Who made me, Who carried me, and Who I still need every single day.

And faith says:

I don’t have to make myself smaller to fit into something God has for me.